


Incoherent Tears

by Underwater_IcedTea



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: :(, Angst, Blood, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, It escalates a lot in the second chapter, Minor Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Riku cuts himself several times, Riku needs a hug, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change, Trigger warnings:, Underage Drinking, it's not pretty, unfortunately
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-07-04 01:29:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15830961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Underwater_IcedTea/pseuds/Underwater_IcedTea
Summary: Riku wobbled into the bathroom and shut the door behind him with a shaky breath. He looked at his reflection with a frown. The early teen's eyes looked dead, they had looked dull and empty. He closed his eyes harshly as self deprecating thoughts began to pour once again.Everyone says lies, yet you know the truth. You're just a burden to everyone. You're a clingy disappointment—an unbearable soul.---After Tenn left, Riku had began to have oppressive thoughts. He blamed himself, and utterly hated himself as well.It was up to the point that he had hurt himself.





	1. First Quarter Moon

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello hello! This fic is based off the headcanon my friend and I made, which is that (and I quote, kind of,) in either middle or high school, Riku cut himself because he was sad and blamed himself for Tenn leaving, his closest blood relative he loves dearly.
> 
> Also, [I based the beginning scene more on the game rather than the anime](http://i7-translations.tumblr.com/post/143938791437/142-ten-and-riku)
> 
> I'm sorry for making the boy suffer!!! But I must write the angst.
> 
> Have you read the trigger warnings in the tags? Are you okay with said warnings? Well then, go ahead and read! In addition, please tell me if I need to add another TW tag.
> 
> Do (try to) enjoy! (^‿^✿)
> 
>  
> 
> Please do give critique!

Side by side, the Nanase twins stared at the Notice of Closure pasted on the door of their parents’ club. Their fingers were intertwined, Riku had made his grip tighten the more he read. Riku pursed his shaky lips, not knowing what to say. He looked over at his older brother, who had wore a poker face.

 

Riku hesitated, yet asked, “...Why?”

Tenn changed his gaze from the notice over to the younger twin.

The latter continued, “They had worked so hard. Why did it end up like this?” He momentarily let go of Tenn’s and turned around to look to the side. Tenn too, had turned around, yet he only kept his gaze straight, towards a parked car at the entrance of the alley. Riku held Tenn’s hand again. “Mom? Dad?” His parents did not say anything. Their father looked at Riku with a hurt expression, while their mother had looked away with gritted teeth. No one gave him an answer.

 

A stranger who wore black slicked hair and a black suit walked in front of them. Riku stared at him with mixed emotions. The man had introduced himself as Takamasa Kujou, which was all Riku heard before his words sounded like TV static.

“You,” Kujou announced with his eyes fixed toward Tenn, arm pointed towards the boy. That action had taken Riku back onto Earth.

“T-Tenn-nii?” the red head sputtered under his breath. He looked at his brother nervously; his mouth had felt dry. Tenn kept wearing a poker face. Although, Riku saw that Tenn’s jaw had tightened.

“You have the talent which can only be found in someone every 100 years,” the man said. “I want you to come with me—” _What?_ “—so I could show you how to fully harness that talent.” _This can't be serious, can it?_ Kujou continued, “You would make so many people happy.” He outstretched his hand. “I can help you. Help you master your talent and have a bright future.”

 

Milliseconds of silence passed before someone had answered.

 

“ **What?!** You have no right to take our son. Stop screwing around, you've done enough damage!” the twins’ father yelled. Riku flinched and looked at his father in surprise. His father’s red eyebrows had furrowed in fury. He looked over the his oldest son. “Tenn, please decl—”

“Kujou-san, please take him,” his wife interrupted.

Their father looked at her in bewilderment. “What? He’s our son, the man can't just take him—”

The pink haired woman cut her husband off again. “And leave this child to taint Riku?! Tenn always entrances him AND our customers. He’s too perfect!” _Mama, please let Tenn-nii decide for himself._

“Isn't it nice that he’s so talented?!” the father fought back. “People see him as an angel, and we should be proud of that!”

“An angel?! He’s an impurity—a demon—” Riku started to tune out some of the words his mother had yelled. _Tenn-nii, a demon?_ _Comparing the two together is impossible!_ “Rik—” “—cally clings t—” —im as a lifefo—” “—annoyed!” _Annoyed? Annoyed about what? Was...Tenn-nii annoyed that I'm constantly with him?_ The grip around Riku’s hand had tighten. Riku stared at his brother. Tenn had still kept a poker face on, a mask of confidence.

“T-Tenn-nii—” Riku stuttered before moving closer to Tenn. “Are you alright?” he murmured. The boy looked straight in Tenn’s eyes and pleaded, “Please stay.” The two words had left a bitter taste in his mouth for some reason. He had felt selfish.

 

The pink haired boy glanced at Riku before loosening his hand a bit. Riku eyes glistened from the tears which pooled in his eyes. He looked at his parents, who had stopped fighting and then straight at Kujou. Everyone had waited for his answer.

Tenn briefly cleared up his throat before he let go of Riku’s hand and stepped forward.

Riku’s eyes had widened in surprise. “Tenn...nii?”

 

“I’ll go with you. Please let me study under you.”

 

Tenn walked toward Kujou, who had smiled in response. He did not look at his parents. His father sobbed in his wife’s shoulder and the latter stared at Tenn with uneasiness. Kujou turned to look at the two.

“I expect to see his papers delivered to me tomorrow,” he sternly said. Kujou nodded to Tenn and began to walk away, with Tenn trailing.

 

A dam had crumbled into pieces. Tears flowed from Riku’s eyes as he outstretched his hand, his arm. “Tenn-nii?” he called out. The older twin did not respond as he continued to walk. Riku felt like he was getting suffocated. He had felt betrayed. The older twin called out for his brother again, only to have no avail. Riku had started to hiccup as he sobbed. Suddenly, he had thrown a coughing fit. His hands flew onto his mouth as he coughed and wheezed. Riku fell onto his knees and leaned over and had his head touch the dirty cement. God, he had wanted to throw up.

His father ran to him with an inhaler. His mother stood still muttering apologies to both Riku and Tenn. Riku had felt light headed in his father’s arms before his vision went out.

 

He hoped that was a bad dream.

 

* * *

 

Unfortunately, his hopes were crushed. Everything had took place.

 

Riku’s laid in a hospital bed. The scene and feeling was all too familiar, he hated it. He looked to the side, where his mother sat, and asked, “Mama, why do you hate Tenn-nii?”

She flinched at his sudden question.

The woman opened her mouth, yet no noise left her. There was only the beeping of the monitor.

“...I don't hate him, Riku,” his mother responded.

“What? But you called Tenn-nii a—” _a demon. An impurity._

“His talent...lured Kujou-san to us.” She was hesitant as she spoke.

“So you're blaming Tenn-nii for having the club close?” Riku sat up.

“I don't want to blame him, but he is the only one whom I can blame.” The woman’s voice got quieter as she spoke.

“I… see,” Riku looked down. His hands were clenched in the sheets. “I understand.”

His mother stared at him, “Riku, you don't have to. You're too forgiving.”

“It’s okay, really. I promise,” he shakily grinned.

 …

“I'm sorry.”

“Mom, you don't have to apologi—”

“I have to apologize, Riku. I wasn't myself back there.”

“What?”

 

“I'm saying that,” she stood up and looked at Riku in the eyes, “your mother did not think rationally back there. I thought of Tenn as someone who should be thrown salt at. I had feared him, Riku.” His mother started walking towards the door. “I know you said that you understand, but please understand what I am trying to say.” The woman left the room.

 

* * *

 

Riku stared at the ceiling as he laid on his bed at home. He blinked with eyes which stung. The boy had barely slept, he had recurring nightmares which kept him up. He had pondered why Tenn had agreed to go along with Kujou, and Riku had only one conclusion.

Tenn left because of him. It was his fault.

Everything was his fault.

Riku slapped his eyes and dug the feels of his hand against them. Tears began to flow out and wet his face.

Tenn got annoyed of him sticking around. Riku couldn't believe he _just realized_ how selfish he was. Riku probably bored Tenn to death since the latter had to constantly take care of the other. Riku did so many things wrong. He should have stopped relying on Tenn. He should have stopped saying “Tenn-nii” this and “Tenn-nii” that.

 

His thoughts paused. No, Tenn would not think like that. It never looked like he viewed Riku like that.

 

Oh, but look at how Tenn barely showed any hesitation when he agreed to go to Kujou, to live a new life.

Riku should have felt happy for Tenn, but _no,_ he felt betrayal.

Riku is one of the worst kind of human scum there are.

  


The boy flipped himself and yelled into his pillow.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

One year later, two years into middle school, at the age of 13, Riku picked up a razor from a mart.

It was small, yet sharp, like it should be.

Over the year, his intrusive thoughts had grown worse. It felt like inky black oil constantly spilled into his mind up to the point that it had felt nearly unbearable.

Riku wobbled into the bathroom and shut the door behind him with a shaky breath. He looked at his reflection with a frown. The early teen's eyes looked dead, they had looked dull and empty. He closed his eyes harshly as self deprecating thoughts began to pour once again.

 

_Everyone says lies, yet you know the truth. You're just a burden to everyone. You're a clingy disappointment—an unbearable soul._

_Why were you even alive? Did you deserve to be born?_

_Even Tenn-nii left you. Everyone else will leave you too._

_You're useless._

 

Riku opened his eyes as tears began to wet his face. His vision was fuzzy, so he blinked a couple of times. He looked at the razor he held and took out the blade. The red head put the razor on the sink counter as he held onto the blade. Riku’s arms were over the sink; he stared at his left wrist for a bit before hovering the blade over it.

**Slice.**

_Stupid. You thought you and everyone would have the happy ending, but you ruined it. Congratulations._

The cut had stung as expected. It was a shallow cut, a thin red line had only appeared.

**Slice.**

_Selfish. You're annoying to everyone, even to yourself. You think everyone would just stick around your sorry ass? Arrogant kid._

It was a deeper cut than the first time. Riku hissed quietly. Good. Tiny beads of blood had popped up.

**Slice.**

_Unwanted. No one wants you, Riku. They think you are useless to them. Everyone doesn't care about you. Look, you even agree with them!_

Riku sliced as deep as the second time. He grit his teeth.

**Slice.**

_You deserve it. You deserve to be cut like this, you deserve to get hurt, you deserve to suffer, you deserve to be left alone, you deserve to be ignored, you deserve to get thrown out, you deserve to die—_

**Slice.**

Riku cut his wrist deeper than before, although not too deep. _That's right, you'll be more of a burden if you die._

 

Blood dripped down his wrist, into the sink. The teen washed his bloodied wrist and blade and leaned down to open the cupboard. He grabbed a First Aid kit and took out the bandages. Riku wrapped the wounded wrist quickly and severed it from it's roll with the razor blade. He put the First Aid kit back and threw out the razor. Riku brought the small blade with him as he left the bathroom. He walked through the dark hallway to his room with empty thoughts. The red head did not feel panic, for some reason. In fact, he had felt fine, yet hollow. 

 

_What time is it again?_ he asked himself as he entered his room. The teen looked at the digital clock next to his bed, which read **3:48am**.

_2-3 hours of sleep, then,_ he decided. _School still exists._

Riku flopped onto his bed with a tired huff. His limbs were outstretched and he didn’t care to properly tuck himself in.

 

Besides, he never really did care about himself.


	2. Untitled Inclination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He let out a large breath of exhaustion and relief. Kujou Tenn this, Kujou Tenn that—he's all tired of it. All tired of his brother. All tired of everyone. All tired of himself. Riku stood up, headed to the elevator, and left the building in a bad mood. A rotten mood.
> 
> Rotten like himself.
> 
> After Riku arrived home, he felt like garbage, as always.
> 
> It had always sucked to be compared to his brother. Tenn was a prodigy. People loved him. Riku loved him too, of course. Although, being constantly compared to your twin brother was always like being drop kicked all the way from Mount Fuji down. While Riku was “the sweet child,” Tenn had always been “the sweet talented child.” There has always been a difference. Tenn has always received praises from the people around them and Riku barely got any. Besides from his family, the only form of "praises" he had gotten in his childhood were the fake smiles of nurses and doctors.
> 
> Riku rushed over to the kitchen and grabbed the sharpest knife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaa it's been a month ever since I made the first chapter! I'm sorry I took so long for the second chapter, guys;;;;;
> 
> ANYWAY, here are multiple warnings:  
> -more graphic depictions of violence  
> -more blood  
> -LOTS of cursing  
> -Sailor Mouth Riku  
> -at this point it's probably ooc but this fic is a mixture of me spewing out headcanons and the headcanon being its own seperate au.
> 
> Please join my Discord server after you read this haha;;;;;;;;;
> 
> have fun reading! it hurts a lot! i made this within the total span of 27 days so hahahahaha im so slow

Since then, Riku never had cut himself again. Yes, his unhealthy thoughts still had taunted him to this day, but they weren't bad enough for him to have the urge to slice through his skin. The unhealthy tenancies such as having little to no sleep stayed, though. Bad habits were always hard to change. He used to make himself sleep deprived on purpose to get headaches as a form of self harm. That immediately backfired, though. His body began to get used to the lack of sleep and the headaches stopped. He came to a conclusion that sleep wouldn't help him much anyway.

One day, the teen noticed he had gotten a bit chubbier because his terrible sleep schedule. Without research, he decided to starve himself to lose some of that fat. That backfired as well, he didn't have the patience to wait. Plus, he couldn't risk to have his parents be suspicious. He eventually couldn't tell if he was hungry or not at the end. Riku had began to jog around the neighborhood in complete spite. Of course, the less he slept meant the more he would get irritated throughout the day. As well as the more tired he would get. On some days, he would be perfectly fine. On others, people could swear they could see a vein popping out of his head. Riku couldn't tell if sleep was a blessing or a curse at this point.

Sometimes, his classmates and parents would ask if he was okay. He told them that he was fine. Besides, the reason that he had those heavy eyebags was because he studies hard at night! Ah, how much he lied like everyone else.

 

_Liar._

 

“Hey, you alright kid? You've been out of it seen these past couple of months.” _I'm fine, Pops._

“Dude, you haven't been looking so well since the past year. You can speak to your friends, you know.” _Are we even friends? I thought we’re just classmates. I don't think I know who you are._

“It’s been two years, Riku. Please talk to your father and I, we’ve been worried about you.” _Congratulations for just noticing, Mother._

 

Riku had kept a mask on. It wasn't an empty face of a King which needed to be respected like Tenn’s, but rather the tricky smiling face of a Joker. The neighborhood saw him as a sweet child while the school idiots saw him as “creepy as fuck”. He never minded both nicknames, although he had always helped out around the neighborhood if he wasn't sulking around. At least he was slightly less useless.

Over the years, his thoughts had branched out on the “you’re useless” side. Riku had began to offer help to everyone around him, it was just his nature to help people, they would think. Touch-starved, Riku kept accepting jobs, requests, etcetera. He had done his best to satisfy the neighborhood without being a complete dunce. Although, his thoughts also branched out of the “you’re so selfish” side. He’s convinced that he’s only done this to gain everyone’s attention. Yet, he still did them. A good boy does that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

16 years old and in his third year of high school, Riku walked around Akihabara’s train station to head home after he ran an errand for his classmate.

 

_“Buy this keychain! They're in the Sega buildings, I think.” they exclaimed all too happily as they shoved their phone which had a picture of said item shown. They laughed and chirped with a wink, “Don't forget to buy yourself some things too!” before they were dragged away by their S.O. Riku couldn't say “No” after the both of them disappeared._

_Classmates,_ he thought to himself as he stood on line for the train. _They're weird as hell._ He sighed as the train arrived. The teen walked inside and stayed standing even though there were still empty seats. He grabbed a handle above as he took out his phone, careful not the bags he held. Riku started playing a game in the quiet train. Time had passed quickly.

 

_“The next station is Asakusabashi, Asakusabashi. The doors on the…”_

_“The next station is Ryōgoku, Ryōgoku. The doors on the…”_

_“The next station is Kinshichō, Kinshichō. The doors…”_

_“The next station is Kameido, Kameido.”_

_“The next station… Hirai, Hirai.”_

_“Next station… Shin-Koiwa, Shin-Koiwa._

 

Two annoyingly loud high school girls entered the train. Riku tried to tune out their buzzing conversation as he continued to play his game.

“Oh my god! Have you've seen TRIGGER yet? They're so hot!”

“TRIGGER? Who are they?”

“They're this new idol group! They just debuted, I think. Here, look~”

“Oh! Aw, they look so cute!”

_“Next… Koiwa, Koiwa.”_

“I know right! They sing really good too. This guy's my favorite, his name is Gaku! He's too cute...”

“Who’s the guy in the middle? He looks the cutest!”

“Oh, he’s their center, **Tenn Kujou**!”

 

_“Ichikawa, Ichikawa.”_

 

Riku’s breath hitched as his twin’s name was said. Or well, his new name. He gulped as he exit the train. Riku felt the all too familiar feeling of having a lump lodged in his throat. _No,_ he has to endure this until he gets home. The teen tried to rush through the station calmly. _I had misheard, right?_ He practically slammed his phone against the gate’s sensor and attempted to not do a full on sprint out towards the bus stops. Sprinting would make things much, much worse. Riku waited as patiently as he could.

Before he knew it, Riku’s bus arrived. How many minutes has it been since waited on the stop? Are people looking at him weirdly? Is he breathing correctly? How many minutes has it been since he walked into the bus? Is he going to pass out? Why does everything feel numb and woozy? Seriously, did his ears fucking mishear? The teen snapped out of his internal crisis only to be met with several pairs of eyes and the feeling of his face being wet. Dammit, he definitely had a panic attack as he stood there. He sighed as he wiped his face with his sleeve and turned to look through the window. Riku was so weak.

He felt someone lightly tug on his sleeve. Riku was met with a tiny girl who stared up at him. She looked back at someone—which was her grandma—who had nodded with a polite smile. She turned back to Riku and held up a plastic bag. “Mister, you dropped this.”

Riku blinked at the bag several times before having processed of what happened. The red head took the bag and replied, “A-Ah, I must have dropped this. Thank you.” He offered a smile.

The girl smiled back. She then frowned and asked, “Mister, are you okay? You looked sad.” Riku was about to respond before she went to her grandma. She looked for something in a small backpack before dashing back to Riku. “You can have this pretty flower I found! I hope they cheer you up!” the child exclaimed as she held out both of her hands out with the picked flower on them.

“T-Thank you,” Riku stuttered. “I’ll take good care of this.” He nodded and took the flower. The teen carefully placed it in the bag he had held. The girl grinned at him before she happily walked back to her grandma. Riku smiled at the pair. _The world needs more people like this,_ he thought.

_And needs less people like you._

Riku turned to look through the window and frowned. _No, not it’s not the time to self deprecate. Do it at later,_ he told himself. He internally sighed and thought, _I just wanna go home now._

Riku gazed out the window as he waited for his stop.

 

* * *

 

Riku let out a heavy breath he hadn't even known he had held as he entered his apartment. The teen quickly slid down the floor, back against the door. Eyes closed, he sat there for a few minutes and felt slightly at peace since he wasn’t in the outside world anymore.

He suddenly remembered about the plastic bag rested in his hand and opened his eyes. Riku looked down and stared inside the bag. He smiled at the small flower the little girl had gave him. _“Mister,”_ he remembered her saying. “ _Are you okay? You looked sad.”_

_“You looked sad.”_

Riku tightened his grip on the bag. Right, he heard of the idol group “ _TRIGGER”_ the girls mentioned, as well as “ _Tenn Kujou.”_ Riku dashed into his room and locked the door, having left the bag abandoned on the floor. His room was dark, with barely any light having slipped through the curtains.

The teen slammed his phone against his desk and flipped open his laptop. He could have used his phone, but he didn't even thought about using it. Riku swiftly typed “trigger idol group” in into search bar and clicked an article on the group.

 

**_The New Idol Group “TRIGGER” Debuts_ **

_The expected idol group “TRIGGER” of Yaotome Productions debuted a week ago. Their popularity has exploded ever since and is still rising. TRIGGER is a three-man group, with 20-year old Yaotome Gaku, 21-year old Tsunashi Ryunosuke, and their center, 16-year old Kujou Tenn, as the members. TRIGGER debuted with the song “Secret Night,” having their sales rise quickly._

 

Riku looked up from his screen in disbelief. Tenn actually became an idol. He disappeared from his family for 4 years to become an idol. No, he _abandoned his blood family_. Riku stood up, his swivel chair knocked over. Tenn-fucking-nii abandoned his family who was nearly poor ever since 4 years ago to—to be a rich as hell idol.

Tenn abandoned him.

“ **_SHIT!_ ** ” Riku screamed as he punched his wall harshly. Pain surged from his fist, but he had barely felt a thing. Hot tears started dripping down from his face for what it felt like the billionth time in his life. His mind had felt clouded. He had felt numb. Riku’s heart pounded, he drew heavy breaths in and out.

Two knocks from his door tore him from his craze. Dammit, his parents must have gotten home. “Riku?” his mother’s soft voice called out from the other side. “Are you alright dear? I heard a loud noise in your room.”

Riku gulped before he answered, “I-I'm good. Nothing to worry about.” He added a nervous chuckle at the end, as if that would lift her worry.

“Okay.” She continued, “Also, your father is out buying curry right now. It's cheap take out of course, but we promise we'll get us something better to eat soon.” There was somber in her quiet tone, it could be heard like a drop falling into still water.

Riku laughed, “It's okay, Mom. I'm not expecting much.” _I'm gonna be the one who'll buy nice and expensive food for all three of us. Just you wait._ “Plus, you always promise that,” he added.

His mother chuckled, “A promise is a promise, Riku.” Riku heard her steps fade as she walked away. “They’ll be kept forever until they’re fulfilled.”

The redhead sighed as he flopped onto his bed. He stared at the barely visible ceiling as he let drowsiness creep up. Eventually, sleep took over him.

 

\---

 

Riku poked his head out of the door to look the empty lit hallway. It was 1am and he felt bad he left dinner. He snuck to kitchen only to see a written note left for him.

_We left your food in the fridge!_

_-love, Mom & Dad. _

_Cute,_ he thought. Rku noticed the plastic bag he held last afternoon. He pulled out the the items to put them in a safer place. Unfortunately, everything did not turn out as fine for Riku.

A small wilted flower laid on Riku’s hand. The petals were crippled against each other and had become so thin. Riku felt so horrible. Yes, it was just a flower, but it was a gift from a mere stranger. In which, the gift died.

 

* * *

 

“Riku, we'll be out for a few days! Thank you for doing so much for your mother and I,” Riku’s father exclaimed. It was summer break, several months after TRIGGER debuted. Riku had told his parents to have some vacation since they worked so hard. Riku could swear the two adults teared up as they nodded ferociously. His parents had decided to spend a week in some part of Japan (he didn't pay attention to what his parents said when they told him).

The two males heard Riku’s mom call something out to her husband. The latter replied, “I'm coming, honey!” and flashed his son a bright smile before he ran off into the hallway while dragging a suitcase.

Riku sighed as he closed the door.

 

* * *

 

It has been very quiet in the Nanase residence, since Riku’s parents were on vacation.

The redhead decided to go out and get some groceries. Maybe he could hit up an arcade, too. He decided to so the latter.

 

\--~+~--

 

The redhead stared at the scattered TRIGGER advertisements. The group has become so popular, huh. He sighed and looked away to face the crossing crowds.

Riku was very familiar with the streets of Akihabara. Since he never had any plans, his classmates would often drag him to the Sega buildings along with them. According to his classmates, Riku apparently radiated of good gacha luck. There was one time where one of the cried and hugged Riku for 5 minutes straight after they pulled two URs in Love Live and pulled several of the event cards in another game. “The manifestation of God,” they once said.

He stepped into one of the Sega buildings, building 4, to be exact. He rode up several escalators and maneuvered around bodies in tight spaces surrounded by crane, gacha, and rhythm games. Riku sat in front of one of the rhythm game machines and mumbled to himself, “Well, time to enjoy myself.” He then inserted two 100 yen coins into the machine and played. Riku switched between games. He didn't play any games that was rigorous to his lungs, since that would be dangerous.

 

While he played, a whispered conversation behind him caught his attention.

“Ooh! Look at him play, it's so good!”

“Awah, it really is good!”

“You know, his hair looks like Kujou Tenn-san’s.”

“Oh really? I don't really see it.”

“If you flip his hair, made the color pink, and made it messier, it'll look like Tenn-san’s hair.”

“Oh it does! Maybe he wants it to look parallel? Well if that is, he's a man of culture, I see.”

“Oh my god, haha! We shouldn't be talking behind his back though.”

 

Riku heard no one talk behind him after that last comment. He let out a large breath of exhaustion and relief. Kujou Tenn this, Kujou Tenn that—he's all tired of it. All tired of his brother. All tired of everyone. All tired of himself. Riku stood up, headed to the elevator, and left the building in a bad mood. A rotten mood.

Rotten like himself.

 

* * *

 

After Riku arrived home, he felt like garbage, as always.

It had always sucked to be compared to his brother. Tenn was a _prodigy_ . People _loved him._ Riku loved him too, of course. Although, being constantly compared to your twin brother was always like being drop kicked all the way from Mount Fuji down. While Riku was “the sweet child,” Tenn had always been “the sweet talented child.” There has always been a difference. Tenn has always received praises from the people around them and Riku barely got any. Besides from his family, the only form of "praises" he had gotten in his childhood were the fake smiles of nurses and doctors.  _I'm so happy Tenn-nii's getting so many compliments from them, though!_ —is what the Riku years ago would say.  _I'm really, really happy!_  

Well, feelings change over time, through certain events, and etc. Sorry, little Riku.

Riku rushed over to the kitchen and grabbed the sharpest knife. He then ran into the bathroom door and slammed the door behind him hard. Taking no time at all, he put his arms out.

 

Riku harshly gripped the knife with a trembling hand. He scowled at the sight of his arms. Most of his scars had completely faded, while a few were very slightly visible. Riku hovered the knife over his left forearm and sliced.

_Fucking piece of shit._

It was a quick, uncoordinated slice unlike the first time he hurt himself. Fresh, crismon blood slowly oozed out of the cut. The redhead grit his teeth as the wound stung similarly to his own self deprecating thoughts and went in for another slice.

_Selfish dick._

His breath hitched as swiftly sliced through his skin. Tears pricked from his eyes. _It hurts,_ he thought to himself. _It_ **_has_ ** _to hurt, though._ He had kept slicing his arm with smaller cuts than the first two cuts.

_Unwanted asshole._

Riku could call himself an infinite number of things. “Things” as in insults. Insults filled with self blame and self hatred. Insults which would tell him that the world hates him and everyone hates him too. After littering his arm, Riku switched to his right arm.

And repeated.

At one point, Riku switched to his legs. He tugged his pants off and rolled the sleeves of his boxers up.

 

His could barely think while he was cutting himself; the teen’s head felt so foggy. He couldn't stop the suppressive thoughts from gathering in his mind like someone was pouring literal tons of trash into a landfill.

_You're pathetic, Riku! You really are. You're dragging everyone down and just_ **_burdening_ ** _them with your presence. You know, you're_ **_just unwanted weight_ ** _. I sometimes wonder why anyone would want to take care of you. Do they even care about you? Oh, I know the answer!_ **_They don't._ ** _Look at your fucking parents. They're clearly_ **_lying_ ** _. Oh, AND_ **_TENN-NII_ ** _! He left you right there, alone with your parents who are “trying to take care of you”. Tenn-nii’s now a very successful idol! Wowie, just look at that. And now you're aaall the way at the bottom. Buried in the bottom half of an hourglass. Stuck in the bottom of a hierarchy. Hah, don't even get started with how much of an attached twink you are. You're a_ **_just a leech._ ** _You just_ **_feed on attention_ ** _. That's why_ **_you ruin everything_ ** _! If you weren't dragging everyone down because of your bullshit medical condition, everything would have been fine. If you weren't been in Tenn-nii’s face all the time all those years ago, everything would have been fine. If you weren't such a little bitchy shit, everything would have been fine._ **_If you hadn't existed, everything would have been fine! YOU DESERVE THIS PAIN YOU ASSHOLE YOU SHOULD JUST DIE!_ **

 

Riku’s breathing had become intense and his heart felt like it pounded for a million miles per hour. He clutched the bloody knife like a lifeline and snapped out of his haze. He felt like everything had went too fast. Riku took slow deep breaths to calm down his heart. “This isn't good for my lungs,” he chuckled to himself quietly. Riku then put aside the knife and stared at his new wounds.

And boy was he disgusted.

The bathroom floor was a wet mess of red. His forearms and thighs were cluttered with cuts, ranging from being rather shallow to having the depth of probably around 2 millimeters. Some cuts even overlapped with others. Blood dripped down from is wounded limbs as his body pounded with stinging pain. Riku propped himself up, careful to not slip on his blood. He hissed as the cuts stung more.

_You deserve it._

Oh right, he did. He kept his gaze on the cuts and sighed. It would be a hassle to clean up. Riku decided to take a shower to clean himself up, like that would be a good idea.

It turned out it wasn't, of course.

 

The redhead’s head leaned against the wall as well as his hand as water crashed down on him. Both of his hands were balled up. Pain coursed through his body as water trailed over the fresh cuts. Panting, Riku turned and looked up to face the showerhead.

_God, what am I even doing?_ Riku asked himself.

 

_I'm surprised I haven't killed myself yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please! Point! Out! Things! I! Need! To! Know!!  
> Yell your thoughts to me too.
> 
> Also, i uh accidentally clicked "Post Without Preview" instead of "Preview" once??? So if yall saw this chapter already, that was my mistake lmao  
>  
> 
> Are 1/3 of his thoughts mine too??? who knows.
> 
>  
> 
> 10/20 EDIT: The third chapter is currently in progress! I changed a detail in this chapter. Riku is in his third year of high school in this chapter, not his second year. This will be very briefly explained in chapter 3.


	3. Conditional Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A man with blond hair and squinted eyes smiled at him; not in a creepy way, it was more like that appreciative dad smile Riku missed. He wore a dark maroon—nearly black—suit along with a tie which was black and had small white lines overlapped. The man asked a question, slightly tilting his head.
> 
> Riku stammered, “I-I-I-uh—” He then cleared his throat and replied with a small nod, “Yep.” _That was too informal, Riku,_ he chided to himself. He then stood up and walked up to him.
> 
> The man laughed. “Haha, my daughter always cries from that song. She loves the other songs in that series as well.”
> 
> Riku awkwardly smiled. “Good to hear that.” He then slightly flinched, seeing that the man was in one of those intense thinking poses in anime which usually made the protagonist feel like they’re going to get their ass beaten.
> 
> The blonde then pulled out a plain white business card. As Riku accepted the card, the man asked, “Any questions?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to [Night Sora](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightSora) from my i7 Discord server for being my beta! Thank you so much!!
> 
> ===
> 
> There are no major warnings in this chapter. Although, there is the usual slight self loathing and (for now) out of character Riku.
> 
> Also, a minor detail was changed in the second chapter which will slightly apply in this chapter! Don't worry though, it will be briefly explained.

The soft April breeze had always been refreshing to Riku. He leaned against a pole in a quiet, empty park. Holding his phone, he checked his Twitter feed, which was usually filled with the same type of posts. They were mostly fans rambling about TRIGGER, in which half of them were definitely relatable to Riku.

Throughout the months, he had tried to keep up with all the news regarding TRIGGER. He was a big fan of them himself, Yaotome and Tsunashi being two of the biggest goddamn celebrity crushes of his life. Tenn would be included too, if they were in another universe and weren't brothers by blood. In that sense, Riku would sometimes ask his parents if he and Tenn were still brothers, since the latter was under the name “Kujou”. In which, his father would respond with “I'm not sure anymore” and his mother responding with “Who knows”. In general, TRIGGER’s  performances are always phenomenal and Riku could swear that he would constantly have that fake nose bleeding 24/7 anime trope.

The teen should normally be in school during this time of year, however, he decided to not go to college. Even though he was only 17, Riku graduated high school only a month ago since he was smart enough to skip his second year of high school.

Sighing, he craned his neck up and stared at the bright blue sky, spotted with clouds. Man, was he bored.

 

The redhead decided to take a stroll around the park, since there was nothing to do. He walked past a water fountain or two, a handful of couples being mushy with each other, and a small playground. Riku greeted the children there before strolling off. He stopped at a pretty discreet area, in which it looked abandoned yet gave off safe vibes of privacy. The small trail connected to the main path of the park was overgrown by grass and was surrounded by trees. The trail led to a patch of grass which was dimly lit by sunlight. In the center was a small, broken down statue that was too chipped off for Riku to guess what it was. It just looked like a slightly trimmed rock with a blanket of moss on top.

He practically collapsed on the ground, exhausted. Hell, Riku didn't even do anything extreme, but he was just tired. Again. Sitting up, he scratched his face and yawned, which was followed by a sneeze.

Soft sunlight shone through the branches of the surrounding trees. The redhead could see particles of dust and dirt rise float around, which would be bad for his lungs of he inhaled too much of it. This place felt _ancient_ to say the least. Desolate and cryptic.

Riku lightly leaned against the broken statue, careful to break it. One knee towards his chest and the other folded on the dirt, he relaxed in that spot. He felt at peace here; no people, no noise, no distractions. Just nature.

 

Somehow, soft notes slipped out of his lips. Blissful hums filled the mossy area, making the silence no more. Later, those melodic hums formed into words. Lyrics smoothly poured out of his mouth like honey, following a calm and slow tune.

_“I remembered my family again,”_

_“‘Ayano, you're the big sister, so take care of everyone!”_

Riku could hear the instrumental portion of the song play in his mind. He smiled as he sang the next lines, feeling happiness in his chest. As the song took a turn halfway through, he could feel the lyrics being laced with regret.

_“‘If it's me with those red eyes,’”_

_“‘Can I save someone's future?’”_

_“Clumsy and miserable”_

_“It's a lonely operation.”_

With watery eyes, Riku recalled the final lines of the song and sang.

_“Let's try to remember”_

_“Those words that I loved"_

_“Happiness is somewhat strange"_

_“I hope you can love tomorrow”_

Tears blurred his vision, yet did not fall. _Dammit, why did I choose to sing such a sad song,_ the teen thought. Although, he smiled to himself. It has been a while since he's this comfortable before.

 

Suddenly, he heard clapping in front of him. It wasn't loud enough to startle an animal, yet was loud enough to startle him. Riku hastily wiped his eyes and flung his head up to look at his audience, who had stopped clapping.

A man with blond hair and squinted eyes smiled at him; not in a creepy way, it was more like that appreciative dad smile Riku missed. He wore a dark maroon—nearly black—suit along with a tie which was black and had small white lines overlapped. “ _Ayano’s Theory of Happiness,_ right?” the man asked, slightly tilting his head.

Riku stammered, “I-I-I-uh—” He then cleared his throat and replied with a small nod, “Yep.” _That was too informal, Riku,_ he chided to himself. He then stood up and walked up to him.

The man laughed. “Haha, my daughter always cries from that song. She loves the other Kagerou Project songs as well.”

Riku awkwardly smiled. “It's nice to hear that.” He then slightly flinched, seeing that the man was in one of those intense thinking poses in anime which usually made the protagonist feel like they’re going to get their ass beaten.

The blonde then pulled out a plain white business card. As Riku accepted the card, the man asked, “Any questions?”

 

The redhead scanned the card, which read:

**Takanashi Productions**

**Takanashi Otoharu**

**03-XXXX-XXXX**

**XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX XX-XX**

 

“Yes,” Riku confirmed. “Er, sir, what are you hiring me for?” He looked at the back of the card, which blank and even tried to see if the card was stuck together with another one. The teen nearly ripped the card in that process.

“Well, young man, do you like making people happy?”

 _What kind of question is that?_ “Yes! I love making people happy. It's really nice to see the smiles on their faces,” he beamed. That was really true, although he truly would not respond like a middle school child finding out that they have superpowers which he just did. His response reminded him that one shounen manga with superheroes, for some reason.

Takanashi opened his previously squinted eyes. His irises were deep red. Riku could feel like pure jewels of ruby was staring down at him, serious. He gulped.

 

“Well then, how do you feel about becoming an idol?”

 

 **_An idol?!_ ** _I can't possibly—_ “An idol?” With a dry mouth, he tried his best to keep up a convincing smile. “I—uh— I can't—” _I can't be a goddamn idol because of my shitty health condition and oh god I would probably be horrible as hell dancing._

The blonde cut him off quickly. “You _can_ be with that phenomenal voice of yours.” The older man’s eyes stared down at him like a hawk. His smile disappeared. “Don't put yourself down young man, doing that isn't good for you.” _It's like he read my mind,_ Riku thought, surprised.

After a few empty moments, ruby and spinel red eyes met as the younger of the two spoke. “I'll think about it,” Riku decided. Takanashi’s smile returned and he was back to squinting his eyes again.

“Good to hear.” He then lifted his arm and looked at his watch. “Ah, Kinako must be getting hungry.” The man looked back at Riku and said, “I will be going now. Have a good day.” After a step or two, Takanashi asked, “Also, what is your name?”

“My name is Nanase Riku, sir.” With a bow, he said, “Thank you for scouting me. As I said, I will be thinking about it.”

Takanashi hummed and looked over his shoulder. “Great to hear that. Well, it is nice to meet you, Nanase-kun. One more thing, you and your potential groupmates will meet at the location on the card on August 20th at 10:30am. Please call me if you do accept this offer. Well, I will see you later.”

As he walked away, Riku sighed against the broken statue, leaning his arm on it. “An idol…” Riku mumbled to himself, barely over a whisper. He suddenly felt cold and shaky.

 

Abruptly, a piece of the statue tore off, making Riku fall with it. He yelped in a chain of curses as he fell on his arm with a thud. Unluckily, his elbow hit the statue piece, in which the teen yelled, “ _Shit!_ ” Riku quickly stood up and almost stumbled over. He rubbed his arm in mild pain and stood there for a few solid moments.

With the sun setting, Riku decided to head home. Today was enough and the teen was too tired to do anything else. He tucked the card in his hoodie pocket as he took off.

 

 

* * *

 

 

With the business card still in his pocket, Riku laid across the living room couch with crossed legs. He had an arm drawn on his eyes and only saw pitch black. The teen drew in a long breath, mind buzzing with thoughts and decisions. Becoming an idol could give so many opportunities. He knew that it was basically a blessing to be scouted. However, he did not know if he wanted to become one himself. He needed a purpose in why he wanted to become an idol. He would go for the cliché “I want to make everyone in the world happy” trope which was generally the purpose of every protagonist in some idol game or anime. To pull off a Tenn-nii, he would call it. _Basically Tenn-nii’s onstage persona,_ he thought to himself and cringed at that fact. Although, becoming an idol for that reason isn't entirely false. It would be nice if he could satisfy all his fans with his singing, or something like that.

Eventually, those thoughts faltered every few minutes, leaving radio silence. Staying in that position for minutes, maybe even to an hour, Riku succumbed to sleep.

 

That was, until forceful hands shook him awake. His vision was blurry from putting pressure against his eyes for so long, and from sleeping in general. A figure stood in front of him, too blurry to be recognizable. After a few blinks, Riku made out the figure who shook him up.

His mother smiled at him and chirped, “Good morning, Riku.”

Her son sat up and responded, “Good morning, mom.” He then looked around, still a bit drowsy. “Wait… it’s morning now?” He wiped his eyes and had kept blinking repeatedly. “Damn, I’ve slept for a long time,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Yes, it’s morning, honey.” She then walked over towards closed curtains and opened them and revealed the dark night sky with the moon shining proudly. “It’s 8pm.”

Riku swore he could feel the smug “:)” emoticon in her voice. “Har har, Mom,” Riku commented, deadpan.

His mother turned and looked at him with a motherly smile. “Lighten up, Riku.” She then walked over to a plastic bag which was placed on the dining table and then with less sarcasm, she said, “Come here and dinner, I managed to leave work early and bought katsudon for the both of us.” The woman then started to set up the table.

“Alright.” Riku stood up and stretched with a long yawn. He rubbed his eyes once more and went over to his mother, who was ready to eat. Two boxes of takeout katsudon was placed on the table with chopsticks beside them. Two cups of water also stood proudly on the table.

 

Riku sat across of his pink haired mother and started to eat. He wondered what to say as a conversation starter, and then looked up and noticed something a little different. “Mom,” he spoke up, “did you cut your hair?”

“Yep! I'm glad you finally noticed, Riku,” she confirmed after finishing a bite. “My hair started to become a bother after a while, so I cut it. It’s a pixie cut.

“But of course,” he agreed with her decision.

 

An awkward silence took over the room, save for the sounds of chewing.

 

His mother then sighed heavily. “Riku, you've got a look that you want to me something. Spill the beans for your mother's sake please?”

Riku nodded as he swallowed a mouthful of food. “I was scouted to become an idol.”

“And? What do you want me to do about it?” she asked, her tone suddenly dark and heavy. Riku gulped before he continued.

“I'm asking if you're okay if I become one.” Of course, Riku can't become one without the consent of a parent or guardian. Or well, that was usually the case. His older brother's situation was a special snowflake.

“You can become an idol, kid,” she responded, then forcibly grabbed a slice of carrot and audibly chewed. “It’s not like I'll care,” the woman added.

 _You will care,_ Riku corrected in his mind. His mother then shoved a bunch of the katsudon in her mouth in great amounts. The redhead sighed as he recalled the words _stress eating_ in the back of his mind. He decided to go back to eating his food and not poke the topic until they were finished.

Suddenly, his mother slammed the empty plastic bento box against the table, almost making the teen choke on his food. “Look, hun,” the woman snapped. His eyes shot up as he kept chewing. “You can be an idol if you want to—this is _your_ decision.” She then tsked and continued, “Just—Just don't end up like your father or end up cocky as hell like Tenn.” Ah, his father. A few months prior, his father had died from hemorrhagic shock due to a car accident. Riku had never seen his mother so distraught yet empty before.

Riku nodded and went back to finishing up his katsudon. His mother continued her pep talk as he chewed the last of his dinner. “Look, I will 100% support you as an idol.”

The remark “I thought you said that you won't care” stood on the tip of Riku’s tongue, however he kept that back. He started to drink the cup of water.

His mother stood up and grabbed her bento container, used chopsticks, and a dirty napkin. “Anyway, this is all your decision. You're a big boy now.” She stood up, walked over to the kitchen and called out, “Also, just tell me when you decide. Please.”

After finishing his cup of water, Riku responded with a loud, “Alright." He, too, then stood up and picked up his empty bento box which had the company of trash.

 

* * *

 

Back in his barely lit room, Riku stared at the card in between his fingers. He laid on his bed, legs swinging against the side of the mattress. _What am I gonna do with you..?_ he asked the card, as if the card would magically respond to him. His hold then loosened, making the card fall onto his face.

He could feel his own conscience scowling at him. _You want to be an idol, huh? To be on the same level as Tenn-nii? You know, a worthless piece of shit doesn't even deserve to be an id—_ He then cut himself off by thinking about how much time he had to make his decision. The decision to accept Takanashi-san’s offer.

He had time to decide tomorrow, and the week after, and the _weeks_ after. Well, he had the next four months to decide in general. That should be enough time to make a choice, probably.

 _Tomorrow’s another day,_ he thought as he closed his eyes. Right after he fell asleep, a faint thought lingered:

 

_Maybe I should get better before I decide to become an idol._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a break from the self harming,,,....... ;w;
> 
> ===
> 
> I'm so sorry for taking so long to type this!!! I was typing up two other oneshots while writing this hhhh. I'm usually very busy on the end of the year due to school well;;; 
> 
> Is this chapter all over the place? Probably. 
> 
> There should be a chapter every month! Although if I'm busy, the update would be pushed back a month, like this update. If I'm pumped up, the chapter should only take a few weeks to write.
> 
> Again, I apologize for this chapter's delay!

**Author's Note:**

> How was that trip of angst, huh?
> 
> Tynx was the one who originally thought of the idea of Riku self-harming himself, and I built up more ideas and wrote a fic around them. In fact, it was a headcanon we both had. [Please check them out!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tynxcann)  
>  
> 
> My social medias plus Ainana Discord server:
> 
> [Tumblr](https://feral-ritsu.tumblr.com)
> 
> [IDOLiSH7 sideblog](https://ten-knee.tumblr.com)
> 
> [IDOLiSH7 Discord server](https://discord.gg/edv8r9T)
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/wishing_sprite)
> 
>    
> Please tell me your thoughts!!


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